thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
