Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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