we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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