Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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