if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
