i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
