The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
