She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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