I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
