So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
