Don't make out with my wife yet
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
