when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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