Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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