K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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