Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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