He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
