I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
