My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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