We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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