ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
