I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
