Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
