just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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