dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
