My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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