You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
