I wish I could punch you in the face.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
