What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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