There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
