Sry I called you an 8
just tell him i said nine months
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
