So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
