Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
