At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize