We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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