i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How does one acquire holy water?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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