I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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