oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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