this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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