just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
