I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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