We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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