I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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