So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My ATM looks so different sober.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize