There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
