I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
