All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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