On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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