So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
