He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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