I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
