I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
