we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
