no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
