Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
