i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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