I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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