So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
