Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
