my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
