sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
